Q. Hi, Amy. Tell me about yourself.
A. You picked a lousy time to talk.
Q. I have it on good authority that you don’t have much else to do right now.
A. Urgh. What do you want to know about me?
Q. First, just tell me what you want me to know about you. What you want readers to know about you.
A. You made me look like a drunk. That’s not me. It’s a temporary thing. Just a rough patch, you know?
Q. Rough? What’s going on?
A. Frank has all but abandoned us. I mean, where’s he going to go? He works on the farm, but somehow he’s always gone. I don’t mean physically. He’s always here, somewhere, and not all that hard to find if you don’t mind scouting around the farm. But he’s not really here, you know?
Q. Just you and the boys.
A. Sure. And they’re growing up, doing their own things. Boy things.
Q. You sound lonely.
A. (pauses) Yeah. I’m surrounded by men who love me, and I’m lonely.
Q. What do you mean?
A. I mean why can’t I be happy?
Q. I’m not following you. Your boys are off on their own, as far as boys their age can be. Your husband is emotionally unavailable. That sounds pretty lonely.
A. Yeah, but still. I’m not locked in cage here or anything. Why don’t I just go out and make some friends?
Q. Okay. Why don’t you?
A. All of my friends are off running their own lives. I haven’t seen my best friend Jill in nearly a year. We took the kids out together last Halloween, and I haven’t seen her since. We talk on the phone now and then, but that’s as far as it goes. She’s got her own life.
Q. Maybe she thinks the same thing about you. Maybe she’d like to be with you, but figures you’re busy with the two kids and a farm.
A. I don’t know about that.
Q. You’re sounding kind of like a victim here, but you’re not really blaming anyone. You’re a bit of a puzzle.
A. So maybe you can solve me.
Q. Do you feel like a victim?
A. Yeah, in a way. But I’m a victim of myself. Like I said, nobody is holding me back, but I sit around and pout, waiting for someone to come and rescue me. And my knight is covered in cowshit.
Q. Do you want Frank to rescue you?
A. No, he did that once. It would be nice, but he’s not really the courtly type. But it would be nice.
Q. I’m getting mixed messages here. Do you want that or don’t you?
A. Well, sure I want that. I’d love to be swept off my feet again. Wouldn’t you? But I can’t expect that. Frank isn’t all that handy with a broom.
Q. There’s always–
A. Oh, don’t even go there. Whatever doldrums we’re going through, I’m a good wife. I’m Frank’s wife and he’s my husband. I’m not going to cheat on him just because I’m a little lonely.
Q. Do you think–
A. No I don’t. Frank loves me.
Q. It will be interesting to hear what Frank has to say about that.
A. (glares) What the hell do you want from me? I thought you wanted to know about me, and here you are stirring up shit.
Q. Okay. Tell me something else about you, then.
A. I was happy. How’s that? I was happy for a long time. When the boys were born. When Frank and I met. I was happy. But it’s slipping away, little by little. Life settles into some sort of comforting routine, but it’s deadening. We take each other for granted. We see only each other’s faults instead of the beauty that attracted us. We get used to the good stuff, and stay on guard for the bad stuff. How pathetic is that? See what I mean? That’s not a good way to be happy. And it isn’t Frank doing it. It’s me. I take him for granted, he takes me for granted, we both take the kids for granted. And we only notice when we aren’t getting what we want.
Q. So why not do something about that?
A. Like what?
Q. Notice something good. Comment on it.
A. I guess. (pauses)
Q. You seem pensive.
A. I don’t think this is what I signed up for. This routine.
Q. There’s a lot of that going around. Ray Andollo commented on that, too.
A. But Ray is doing something about it, isn’t he? He puts himself out there and makes something happen. He’s taking life into his own hands.
Q. Is that something you want to do?
A. I don’t know. I’ve forgotten what I wanted. I’ve been in this groove so long I’ve forgotten what the road looked like.
Q. Is that true? I get the sense that you know what you want somewhere down in side, but you aren’t willing to acknowledge it. It’s too discouraging to want something so badly and not be able to get it.
A. So what do you think I want?
Q. I have no idea. What do you think you want?
A. I just want to be free of here. I mean, it’s not as life is pressing down on me or anything. But it feels like the air is a little close. I can breathe it okay, but it’s stale. A little constricting.
Q. If you were free of here, what would you do?
A. I don’t know. Work in a restaurant or something.
Q. A restaurant?
A. Yeah. Does that surprise you? Did you think I wanted some grand thing, like to be the queen of everything?
Q. It does surprise me. I was thinking you wanted to do something artistic, like be a dancer maybe.
A. (laughs) Oh, right. Hey, maybe I’d be a hell of a dancer. I can move all right. But that doesn’t appeal to me at all. I don’t need all the attention on me. But I would like to do something worthwhile, something people appreciate.
Q. Raising kids?
A. Sure, that’s important. But lots of people work and raise kids. I can have meaning beyond just my kids. I mean, I love Zack and Jacob and all, but they don’t take all that much work, do they? They’re good kids. They’re going to do just fine. All I really have to do is keep them fed and give them a hug now and again. They’re really just raising themselves, and doing about as good a job as I would.
Q. So working in a restaurant. What’s important to you about that?
A. People appreciate it. I get to see the smiles on their faces. I’m good with people, and I like being with people. And that for sure wouldn’t be lonely. I’m here all alone most of the time. I wouldn’t mind being around people more. It just feels good. Do I need to justify it any more than that?
Q. No, it sounds nice.
A. What else do you want to know?
Q. What are you doing in my story? What do you represent?
A. I represent getting off my ass and doing something with my life. Wasn’t that obvious?
Q. Well, frankly no. I thought you were just a drunk. Although that surprised me when I wrote it.
A. Yes, you tarred me nicely with that brush.
Q. Okay, so you represent getting off your ass an doing something with your life. And not necessarily something world-shattering; just something worthwhile, something that matters to people. Something that people appreciate. Is that about right?
A. Right. So the question is: Will I do it or not? Will I wallow in my self-pity about the stale farm air, or will I get off my ass and do what I want with my own life?
Q. What do you think?
A. I think it’s going to take some doing. This story hasn’t started well for me. I’ve saved my son from drowning, had my teeth bashed in, then lost that same son while I panicked on the beach. Not a very happy start to things. That’s a lot to deal with. I might just drink some more.
Q. Is that what you want?
A. Not in the long run. But in the short run, how do I make the pain go away?
Q. Pain?
A. Loneliness, I mean. Drinking fixes that. And don’t go telling me it’s not good for me or anybody else in the long run. I know that. I’m not a drunk and you know it. You do know it, right?
Q. Yes, I guess I do.
A. So maybe let up on that. I know it gave you something to write about, something that would cause a nice conflict in chapter 2. But it’s not who I am. I’m lonely, I’m watching life pass me by, I’m not doing what I want to do even though it would be pretty darned simple to put it in motion. Let that be enough. Won’t that create enough drama for you?
Q. Maybe. That and coping with your son drowning.
A. That’s really not a big deal. You and I both know that that was because of the time shift. That’s not me, either. I saved him the first time, and I’ll do it again if I have to. And again and again. And you and I both know where that part of the story leads. I teach him to swim. End of drownings. Easy peasy. But that’s not the real story, not my real story. My real story is whether I will show up in my own life.
Q. And will you?
A. Hard to say. Let’s see how it goes.
Q. Is there anything else I should be asking you?
A. No. I think you have enough now to do something interesting with my story. (laughs) See? Now I’m leaving my life up to you! But I think there’s a story line there. I don’t know what it is, but something. Something good, maybe. Maybe a happy ending for me.
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