This interview was even more fun than the other two. Dan pulled some serious attitude here, and kept turning the conversation back to me. I like him!
Q. So, Dan, what are you doing in my story?
A. Duh! I’m the killer.
Q. There are lots of killers in lots of stories. What makes you worth writing about?
A. I have to do it over and over again.
Q. Why did you do it?
A. Because she was cheating on me. She betrayed me. You can’t let a woman get away with that.
Q. Why not?
A. Because then they’ll walk all over you.
Q. Have you been walked all over, Dan?
A. No, because I won’t let it happen.
Q. What makes you think women will walk all over you.
A. Because everybody will walk all over you if you give them half a chance. It’s not about women, it’s about people. People suck, and in particular, people will walk all over you every chance they get. Haven’t you read Looking Out for Number One?
Q. You mean the metaphor of the poker chips? They’ll tell you they don’t want your chips, then they’ll take them?
A. You got it, shiny boy.
Q. That’s a pretty cynical view of life.
A. Yeah, you’re a new age fluffball, all right. You think everybody’s all sweet and tender way down inside.
Q. Actually, for a new age fluffball, I’m pretty practical. But enough about me. I think cynical people secretly yearn for something to trust. Otherwise, they wouldn’t be cynical, they’d be accepting, or at least resigned.
A. Pop psych mumbo jumbo. The world sucks. That’s it.
Q. So how do you deal with that? If the world sucks, why not just kill yourself and be done with it?
A. Now who’s being cynical?
Q. Answer the question, Dan.
A. It’s a stupid question. Don’t I get to live, too?
Q. Sure. But you have a choice, don’t you? So if life sucks, why prolong it? Clearly you have the means to take a life, so why not your own?
A. You’re a fucking barrel of laughs. Here’s your answer: Life sucks, but it’s all I have. When you come right down to it, that’s all you got. Whether it sucks or not, there ain’t nothin’ else, is there?
Q. Now that sounds sad. It sounds as if you’re settling for the least rather than shooting for the most life has to offer.
A. Well, it’s my life. I’ll live it my own way, thank you very much.
Q. So nobody gets to tell you what to do, right? Even your creator?
A. Exactly. But I do invite you to try to make me do whatever fits your little story. That should be fun.
Q. I like your attitude, Dan.
A. Yeah, well you’re a wuss.
Q. I’m getting a picture of you now. You’re been hurt somehow, or seen someone hurt somehow, and you spend your time trying to keep the pain to a tolerable baseline.
A. And you have a need to know everything. Like that cop.
Q. What do you know about Ray?
A. He’s a cop. He thinks he’s smart, just because he was able to track me down. The first thing he does when he walks in the door is insult me. “You were an easy one,” he said. Well, I’ve been under some stress lately, as you can imagine. I admit that I’m not thinking clearly. But now guess what? I get to think about this as long as I want. I get to kill Faith—God is an iron, giving her a name like that—I get to kill her over and over. I get to watch her suffer. And if those brainiac cops catch me, I just get to do it again. They can arrest me, sure, but they can’t hold me, can they? When the time loop happens, I’m right back at the scene of the crime, ready to…
Q. Ready to what, Dan?
A. Ready to teach her a lesson, I guess. To show her that she can’t fuck around on me with some spanish goat boy. She can’t be capricious with my trust. Get it? Capricious? Goat boy?
Q. Yeah, yeah, you’re a smart one. But if you’re so smart, why aren’t you happy?
A. Only dumbasses are happy. Take a look around you. Are you telling me that you can look the world straight in the eye and see it in all its fetid putridness and still smile at the end of the day? Are you blind, or what?
Q. It sounds, Dan, as if you’re letting the world push you around. On one hand, you say that ain’t nobody gonna push you around, and on the other hand you let the whole world push you around. It’s their fault you’re not happy. All you’re doing is observing.
A. I’m seeing reality, you moron. Are you telling me that you can be happy with the world such a fucking mess?
Q. I’m pretty happy. And when I’m not happy, I know that it isn’t the world making me unhappy; my unhappiness is my own response to the world.
A. Fucking new age fluffing fuckball, that’s what you are.
Q. Is that your jealousy talking, Dan?
A. No, it’s me thinking you’re a wild eyed fool.
Q. Well, now you’re becoming very interesting to me. I think I’ll be able to figure out ways to poke at you, at your weaknesses.
A. I’m all calluses. I got calluses on my soul. Poke all you want.
Q. You’re secretly hoping I won’t take you up on that.
A. Yeah, yeah. Bring it on, fuckball.
Q. So you killed Faith because she betrayed you, and ain’t nobody gonna get away with something like that.
A. Right.
Q. If it really didn’t matter to you, Dan, if you really believed that people suck, then you already knew she was a shit. So now that you find out that she’s a shit, what makes that such a big deal? I mean, if you already knew it, why not just tell her to fuck off?
A. What, and let her get away with it?
Q. What difference does it make if she gets away with it?
A. If she gets away with it once, she’d turn around and do it again.
Q. Do what again?
A. Fuck me over.
Q. How did she fuck you over?
A. What the hell? She cheated on me. You don’t think that’s fucking me over?
Q. Only if you trusted her not to.
A. Nice try. But I didn’t trust her. I knew she would fuck me over eventually.
Q. Why did you marry someone you knew would fuck you over?
A. Hey, don’t I deserve love, too? While I can get it, I mean? I mean, sure, she would fuck me over eventually. But in the meantime I get something to make life a little less miserable, don’t I? You said it yourself: Why do I keep going. Well, it’s for what little pleasures I can get here and there. Don’t you like women?
Q. Nice try. So you stayed with Faith for the little pleasures, and when she ultimately betrayed you (as you knew she would), you make her pay?
A. Now you got it. You’re not as dumb as I thought you were.
Q. So how did you come to believe that people are shit?
A. I have eyes. Don’t you ever watch the news? Did you ever try to negotiate with someone? Ever have to deal with a telemarketer? And, hey, you’re using me right now, aren’t you? I mean, you have what you need from this interrogation already, don’t you? The only reason you’re still talking to me is that you need your word count for the night. See? Even my creator treats me like shit. What kind of world are you creating here? You suck, just like everybody else.
Q. I think I have a challenge with you, Dan. The challenge is to redeem you.
A. Yes, because in your new age fuckball philosophy every behavior has a good intention, right? Well, here’s the good intention: I want to live my fucking life my own way. What’s to redeem? If you’re going to redeem me, first you have to judge me as morally wanting. So you see? You’re a fucking hypocrite. You don’t believe in judging, but you’re going to judge me anyway so you can redeem me.
Q. No, you don’t understand. I’m not going to redeem you in my eyes, I’m going to redeem you in yours.
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