Q. Hi Frank. What’s your story?
A. Feeding the family, that’s my story.
Q. What else?
A. That’s pretty much it. Farming is a full time job. I don’t take a lot of time out for other stuff.
Q. So is that your entire identity? Farmer?
A. No. Also father. Also husband. Also just regular guy. I don’t think there’s much story in me.
Q. Why did you hit Amy?
A. I lost it. We almost lost Zack, and when I found out Amy had been drinking, I just lost it. I went into a kind of trance. You can’t fucking do that. You can’t relax when your only two kids — who can’t swim, by the way — are playing in a pond. Whatever else might be going on in your life, you have to protect your kids. There’s no excuse for what she did. Drinking slows your reaction time, and you can’t do that when your kids are depending on you like that.
Q. So you blame Amy for what happened?
A. Hell, yeah. Don’t you?
Q. And how about Amy’s teeth?
A. Fuck. That was me. That was me losing control. There’s no excuse for that, either.
Q. So family is important to you?
A. Of course.
Q. What’s your role in the family?
A. To feed them.
Q. Is that all?
A. Well that’s important, isn’t it? If they aren’t eating, not much else is important.
Q. What if you didn’t have to feed them?
A. What do you mean? Who’s going to feed them?
Q. Just imagine it. A little thought experiment. If you didn’t have to feed your kids, what would you do?
A. That depends. Are they getting fed?
Q. Let’s say that they have everything they need to survive, and also enough to be comfortable. The main idea is that they don’t need you feed them.
A. That’s interesting. That’s a tough one.
Q. There must be more to family than that for you.
A. Well, sure. You have to teach them how to get along in the world. The value of hard work.
Q. Okay. What else is family about for you?
A. You keep asking me that. What are you getting at?
Q. It sounds as if you see family as an obligation.
A. Well, yes, but more a responsibility. I chose this life, this family. It’s not as if anybody is imposing any obligations on me. I’m responsible because I chose to take responsibility.
Q. What about benefits? What do you get from the family?
A. I get meaning for my life. What’s more important than raising a family, raising kids to be decent people in the world? There are a lot of jerks out there. We could use a few more decent folks.
Q. What do you mean by decent?
A. I mean they go about their business, they leave other people to their own ideas, they work, they make something of themselves. They do something of value. Like that.
Q. So you represent responsibility, I guess.
A. Sure, I can accept that.
Q. What about other responsibilities to your family? Like companionship and emotional support?
A. That’s not easy for me.
Q. What makes it hard?
A. The farm takes up most of my time. And like I said, you have to prioritize. If the kids don’t eat, companionship doesn’t matter.
Q. What about involvement in their lives?
A. I’m with them when I can be. You know that.
Q. I think you’ve chosen a lifestyle that limits your availability. And you’ve done it on purpose, even if only unconsciously.
A. That’s an interesting theory.
Q. What’s interesting about it.
A. Well, what reason would I have for doing that?
Q. If you’re unable to be available for them emotionally and mentally, you might design a life for yourself that gives you an excuse.
A. So I’m lying to myself, is that it?
Q. Probably. How does that fit for you?
A. Probably better than I want to admit.
Q. So what would happen if you had more time to be with them emotionally and mentally?
A. More fantasy games?
Q. Yeah. What if?
A. That’s a scary thought.
Q. Scary in what way?
A. If I can’t give them companionship, and they don’t need what I do offer, then why would they keep me around?
Q. Let me turn that around: Why would you want them to keep you around?
A. What? This is my family, dammit. They’re all I have. What kind of question is that?
Q. I’m trying to figure out what your family means to you beyond a responsibility that gives your life meaning.
A. Jesus. You want to take away the one thing that gives my life meaning?
Q. I’m afraid so. Then what? What do you fill that void with?
A. You know what occurs to me? I’m afraid that I can’t have what I want from my family. If I don’t provide for them, there’s no reason for them to stay with me.
Q. Do you really believe that? That the only reason they love you is for your ability to provide for them?
A. Fuck. Fuck you and your questions. But, no, thank you. You’re right, that’s a pretty cynical view I have of my own family, that they need me only as long as I provide for them.
Q. I want to push this idea again: What if they didn’t need you at all?
A. That’s a scary fucking thought. I don’t want to think about that at all.
Q. Is there nothing else of value that you contribute to the family?
A. Ah, I see what you’re getting at. Sure. I’m a good man. I’m a good role model. Even if I’m don’t have to provide for them, they can see how I do something of value in the world, how I contribute. That’s an important thing for them to see, an important possibility.
Q. And what do you contribute in the world?
A. Milk. I feed people.
Q. There’s that role again.
A. Well, I like that role. It’s steady. It’s necessary. People appreciate what I do. I make a difference. I help keep the wheels of the world turning. Grease the wheels, you know?
Q. And what if people didn’t need that for a while?
A. (laughs) Okay, you’re going to take that away from me, too? All right. I’d find some other way to contribute. Everybody needs something. And most people need similar things. If they don’t need to eat, they’ll still need something I can offer.
Q. Companionship and emotional support?
A. I don’t know about that. There’s probably something else — I was going to say something more basic — but there’s probably some other basic thing they’ll need that I can provide.
Q. Let’s change topics for a while.
A. Good idea.
Q. How are things with Amy?
A. Strained. Obviously. I mean, I wasn’t trying to hit her, I was just trying to knock the fucking drink out of her hand. But still, you don’t do something like that if everything is hunky dory.
Q. Sounds like you have some regret over that.
A. Of course. I wasn’t thinking at that moment. Violence doesn’t solve anything. And Amy doesn’t deserve that, either. She’s just going through something big, something I can’t tap into. I wish she wouldn’t drink to deal with it, though. That causes more problems than it solves.
Q. A while ago you said there was no excuse.
A. Yeah, well. Something’s going on with her. She seems pretty darned unhappy here.
Q. Here?
A. On the farm. I’m not sure this is what she wanted for herself.
Q. So you have to provide in order to keep her here?
A. Something like that.
Q. There’s an obvious answer to all of this.
A. I know, I know. But what if I can’t give her the emotional support she needs? Then what?
Q. Well, that’s her choice, not yours.
A. Jesus, you’re a hardass.
Q. Yep. You’re providing for her and the kids so she’ll stay with you even though you aren’t able to give her what she really wants. Or maybe you just aren’t willing to try. Does that about cover it?
A. (silence)
Q. Okay, then… What else do you want me to know about you? What else will help to make this a good story?
A. Well, I’m not a bad guy. No, scratch that. I’m a good man. I don’t know how to give Amy what she really needs from me right now, but I’m a good man. I’m coping with my limitations poorly — using the farm to cover up my weaknesses — but I’m a good man.
Q. I can see that.
A. Well, good.
Q. Are there any other questions I should be asking you?
A. Yeah, ask me what I want.
Q. Okay, what do you want?
A. I want a happy family. Same as Amy, I suppose.
Q. Well, a happy family would include a happy Frank. So what would make you happy?
A. To know that I’m wanted.
Q. Are you willing to take a risk to find out whether you’re wanted?
A. I have a hunch you’re not going to give me a choice.
Q. Probably right. So what do you think would make your family happy? What can you contribute to that?
A. You know, I’ve lost track of that. That can’t be good. I guess I’ll have to ask. Or maybe just listen when they tell me.
Q. Okay, but don’t become Mister Understanding all at once. We have to draw this subplot out for a while.
A. Yeah, whatever. That’s your problem.
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